Responsibilities are such. a. pain. I for one, am sick of having them. I was responsible for taking care of Eric for THREE years. Granted, he had almost one whole year of being healthy in there – little victories, am I right? But that kind of pressure wears on you! Eric may have lost his life, but I definitely had a few years taken off mine too….bad joke…too soon…get it together, Chelsea! Seriously though, we made literal life and death decisions together. We’re too young to have had to do that. And now, I’m a single mom, and I have all the parenting responsibilities to handle on my own. Arie grows up to be a brat? Yup, that’s all on me. Can’t blame it on Eric’s parenting techniques.

And you know what else I miss? Frivolous spending! Not that I did an exceptionally large amount before (although I’m sure Eric would beg to differ), but two incomes makes for a lot more fun money. Now it’s like…”oh, if I buy this, that’s money that I could be investing and saving for the future or Arie’s education”….and I’m sorry, but that is just not near as fun as the new purse I want.

So yeah, I’m sick of responsibilities. Responsibilities bleed into the “what if” world. Did we make the most responsible choices? What if I had just researched a little bit more, what if I had lathered him up with just a little more frankincense, what if I’d forced him to go in to get his arm checked a week earlier? And I just have no time for the “what if” world, because I have to live in the “what is” world. And the what is world is Arie and work and loved ones, and it keeps me plenty busy.

BUT! Lest you think this post is all whining and complaining, read on! Recently I was given a gift of having some of those ‘what if’s’ debunked! A few friends (who organized the golf outing) and I were able to meet with Dr. Steensma (yay!) and some of the wonderful people at Van Andel Institute (which will now be referred to as VAI) to talk about Eric and the research being done in Osteosarcoma treatments.

A little background info: during one of Eric’s first surgeries, the VAI team asked if they could take a portion of his removed tumor for research and experiments. Eric signed the papers, agreeing, and we never heard another word about it….until a few weeks ago (insert powerful music here). It turns out that after the donor has passed, there is a little bit of information that VAI is able to share. It’s still mostly shrouded in mystery – getting in felt like being granted access to the CIA – but what we heard was enough for me. It turns out, Eric’s tumor cells grow remarkably well in the lab! This means a few things, but most important to me, it means they are very aggressive. In turn, that means that whatever we threw at those cells, they were going to thrive in his body. While it’s obviously not a battle we wanted to lose, there is a comfort in knowing that nothing on the market was going to work on them. It’s like when a team beats you in sports, you want them to go on and win the championship, right? Because then you lost, but it was to the best. Why am I coming up with a sports metaphor? Who am I? What have I become?!

Anyway, it was awesome to hear that Dr. Steensma’s team might be able to use his cells to make advancements in treatments, because there hasn’t been anything significant in FORTY FIVE YEARS. And this is where we come into play. Eagles for Eric is slated to be an annual event, but for all subsequent years, we will be partnering with VAI (specifically Dr. Steensma and his team) to fund their osteosarcoma research. (!!!!!!) Prepare yourselves for a whole lot of widow guilt next year, because I’m going to be coming in hot. Almost all of their research is funded by philanthropic donations, so you best believe I’m going to badger gently encourage you to play a round of golf for a cause this close to my heart. Bonus: Since it’s through VAI, it will be tax deductible! Woohoo! Don’t think I don’t know what gets you people excited…

“Our God is a providential God.” Dr. Steensma said that when we met with him, and in a twist that could only be seen as such, Eric had the same sentiment tattooed on his arm after his first year of treatment was over. For the record, I do not like the plan, I do not agree with the plan, and I would like to rewrite the plan. But, like I said earlier, we live in the world of “what is”, and I am hopeful that what is, is a cure for the disease brought about by the suffering of my husband. Because there better damn well be a reason for it.

Now, I think I’ll go practice donating money by generously giving towards another worthy cause…new boots for myself…