“If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.” – C.S. Lewis
“Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” – Tennyson

Uh, gentleman, I’m really not sure it’s as simple as all that.

Eric and I got engaged 7 years ago today. (I started writing this yesterday, the 6th) Technically we had started doing some wedding planning back in February but it was today in South Haven, what seems like a lifetime ago, that he got down on one knee and asked me to annoy him for the rest of his life. Yes, that is how he phrased it. Ahh, young love.

I remember thinking of those famous quotes in the days after he died, and thinking it was total garbage. Nothing was worth what I was feeling or what challenges I knew lay ahead. Who in their right mind would willingly walk down that path? My views have become more complex since then, but it’s still not a black and white issue.

In my opinion, it’s impossible to say what I would choose, and I’m not being given that option so why bother thinking about it. What I do think about however, is how much I’ve learned and changed and grown because of what we’ve been through – especially these lasts four years. When Eric got diagnosed I was scared and timid and didn’t posses the characteristics needed for the role that had been forced on me. I remember after his first biopsy surgery Dr. Steensma came in to the waiting room to tell us about how it went and he addressed ME! Uhhh, shouldn’t you be talking to an adult?! I still get scared of the dark! And now I know how to mix up a batch of TPN, work most of the gadgets in a hospital room, and regularly critique the medical care given on TV shows. Those skills are totally going on my resume, by the way.

I learned how to be a better wife, a more compassionate friend, and a more confident me. All because Eric hurt his arm. Perhaps I would have eventually grown into those characteristics, but the good Lord above apparently thought trial by fire was a better option.

So, in conclusion of my ramblings, I think that I’ll never answer the question of if I would do this over again, but I’m a stronger person because of the experience, and I’m going to focus on that. I would also like to make up my own quote that I feel more accurately (but less eloquently) represents the sentiments of love, loss and pain:

Better to have loved and lost and grown, than never to have loved or learned a damn thing at all.