This picture was taken in Ann Arbor, at my friend Ashley’s house. She lives 15 minutes from the hospital, and I spent many a night at her house while Eric was inpatient at U of Michigan. So many in fact, that I continue to refer to her guest bedroom as “my room”. I hated leaving Eric, but I hated those hospital chairs that I had to “sleep” in more. I still did it plenty, but any time I could, I would happily sleep in a bed for the night and head back bright and early in the morning. Sometimes Eric even had deadlines for me…’okay, you can sleep at Ashley’s tonight, but you have to be back by 7:30am because that’s when the doctors round’. I’m not complaining about that – it made complete sense. I truly knew his medical history better than I know my own, and let’s be honest, I had a much better memory than someone who was always on at least one heavy duty narcotic.

This picture tells the story, my story, of being two things at once. It’s the story of love and heartbreak, of hard decisions but the right choices. It is not, however, the picture of guilt. I have too many other emotions to deal with to be foolish enough to add guilt to the mix. I would make all the same decisions again. Leaving Arie when I had to, focusing on a husband who needed me more than my baby, even distancing myself from our little boy when Eric said it was too shattering to see him.

I will never regret the decisions I made, but it doesn’t mean they were easy. Arie crawled for the first time at my sister-in-laws house – that doesn’t make me angry in the least, but it does make me sad. I missed things that I would have loved to be a part of. Balancing the role of mother and the role of wife is difficult in any situation, but there is no balance when one completely outweighs the other…

In this picture, I think we were going on our second week in Ann Arbor. Family had brought Arie over to us a few times (it’s about a two hour drive), but it was usually in the hospital. And in the hospital, my main focus was still Eric. Anticipating needs, reacting to every change. It just wasn’t conducive to baby bonding time. So this visit, my friend Staci, was bringing Arie to Ashley’s house. I don’t remember if Staci or Ashley took this picture, but I’m so glad they did. I think it’s the perfect representation of everything I was feeling, purest joy, with just enough sadness to tell our story. I don’t think a more accurate picture from my life last year exists.