ENFP : Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling and Perception.

I joined a grief group recently. Honestly, I feel like I already handle my grief in a very healthy way. I have a group of close friends and cousins that I talk to regularly, I tell Arie about Eric, I know my triggers and how to avoid them…I mean basically what I’m saying is that I’m AWESOME at navigating this whole widow thing. Okay, that’s obviously an exaggeration, but I do think I’m doing just fine considering I am a [now] 32 year old widow with a two year old. So why the grief group you ask? Well, a few things first.

1. I really love research. Baby products, vacations, food, washing machines, cancer, celebrity gossip. You name it, and if I’m interested in it, you can be sure I’ve researched it. Annnnnd if there were enough details written down it was either saved to my computer or printed and filed. You may think I am exaggerating, but I have boxes full of everything related to Eric’s illness. I send out lists to expectant mother friends of mine (if they ask for it) with a compilation of my baby product research/items to take to and from the hospital/book recommendations/etc. And I have an excel document I made for a trip to LA last year that included all the restaurants I was interested in trying with notes on distance from my cousins house, the menu items that looked good, hours of operation, and anything else I found interesting. Just for a few examples.
2. I credit counseling (along with the prayers and support of everyone) with how I managed to survive Eric’s three years with cancer. I actually started going after college because I was so panicked that everything was changing and I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and all that stuff that people normally go through. I learned excellent coping mechanisms and became much more self aware, which in turn allowed me to stay mentally and emotionally healthy during Eric’s illness. Oddly enough I really haven’t gone since Eric died. I meet with a pastor at a local church who was also a young widow – I lovingly refer to her as my Widow Advisor – but nothing structured or appointment based.

So with my love of research and counseling, when I heard about this grief group it seemed interesting and, dare I say, useful. It’s a six week “course” that started last week. Talking with other widows, while at the same time learning about being a widow (counseling and research)?! A win win! I haven’t been able to find a list of what you should do when you become a widow, so I’m hoping this will provide some excellent insight. For our first week we took an abbreviated version of the Myers-Briggs personality test (I took the full test in college and still remembered my letters, so I was pleased to see they stayed the same), and then with our assessment, there were descriptions of how we likely handle grief.  I’m just going to copy and paste my description here:

“ENFPs often find themselves facing their grief head on. Many people attempt to avoid their pain, while ENFPs find it helpful to plunge into it. They want to allow themselves the proper time to feel their sadness and to deal with the grieving process appropriately. The ENFP needs to allow themselves to fully accept what is going on without trying to avoid it. Often they come to terms with their pain best, when by themselves. Once they have done their best to process though, the ENFP may seek out the comfort of others. Like anyone, ENFPs do struggle with grief, but they are rather good at accepting it and allowing themselves the chance to heal. Their lack of denial often helps the ENFP to fully grieve over what is happening. Once they have processed their emotions, the ENFP does best if they can find people who fully understand what they are going through. When they can connect with others who understand their pain, it helps them to feel better.”

I couldn’t believe how accurate that felt! When I read it to my sister, she actually asked me if I wrote it about myself. But lest you think I’m bragging about handling my grief perfectly, please keep in mind that this description is best case scenario. There are still days when I don’t want to get out of bed because what’s the point? Drives that end in tears because a certain song came on the radio and I couldn’t handle it. Or nights with friends where I become suddenly, painfully and shockingly aware that I’m no longer part of a couple. There are countless moments that I don’t manage my grief well, but I hope this Myers-Briggs research will remind me that I’m strong, and I’m doing it. I’m living life as a widowed single mom, and some days I crush it, and some days I fail. But I treat each night of sleep as a reset button for the next day, and I treat each day as a chance to choose joy and laughter and happiness, and acceptance of this tricky life I’ve got to live.