Well, that was a rough one. This past Friday was Arie’s first birthday. Instead of the normal ‘how can I have a 1 year old already’!? It was more, ‘how is Eric not here for this!?’ I was already struggling Thursday night, and then when I woke up on Friday it all went downhill.

Do you know about Timehop? It’s an app that has been sent to Earth to simultaneously destroy me and make me smile. How can one app do both, you ask? Well, it connects to your social media and your photos and shows you pictures and videos from this day in previous years. Yup. So you can see how this is equally heart wrenching and wonderful. Anyways, I knew that would be a tough day to see, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the 25 minute accidental video that showed up. From my best guess, I think Eric’s phone must have started recording in his shirt pocket, and when he finally realized it later on, he deleted it. Thankfully, like the cool (totally) hip (questionable) techy (not so much) people we are, we had synced our photo stream on our phones, which is why (I think) this never before heard footage was brought into my life. Have I lost you in all my iPhone jargon? The point is, I’d never seen/heard this video before that Friday morning. Aaaaaand queue the water works.

Sidenote: Crying is such a pain in my ass. I hate it. I try to avoid it at all costs. All it takes is one tear and my face lights up like Christmas. Red, splotchy, is that a zit that was hiding out underneath the skin?…well NOT ANYMORE! Bring that guy to the surface! And the ramifications last for HOURS. Regardless of if I’ve calmed down or not, people can tell I’ve been crying. And then, of course, they ask if I’m alright which usually brings out more eye-water. “DAMNIT WOMAN THE SWELLING HAD JUST STARTED TO GO DOWN!” Thankfully, this is not my sisters first rodeo dealing with me crying, so she blessedly just kicked a box of kleenex over to me, left me alone, and didn’t mention it.

Back on track: The video was only sound, nothing visual, but from what I pieced together I think it was an hour or two after Arie was born. I was still in really bad shape. Lots of medical staff and talking, some baby crying in the background – rude – and Eric asking questions and trying to figure out what had gone so wrong and if I was going to be okay. He was so upset and so concerned, and man do I miss him so much.

It had been 2 years of me taking care of him at that point, so neither of us were used to this switch in roles. I remember before we had Arie I was a little nervous about how he would do acting as the caretaker (mind you, it was only a week because his surgery was scheduled for the following week), but he rocked it. He had a good teacher (insert pat on my own back, here). The video made me miss his voice, and the love that I was so used to hearing in it. We were such a good team. It’s just so unfair.

Overall, even though it made me look like a bee stung my face, the video was a wonderful gift to me on Arie’s birthday. And now that I think about it, I feel like mothers should get a gift on their kids birthdays! Can I get an amen!? The actual birthday party was on Saturday. It was a Harry Potter theme, and completely and utterly over the top. But, as I said in my snapchat video – ‘don’t judge me. My husbands dead, and planning it made me happy’. I’m pretty sure we (me, sister, mother) started planning it about a month after Eric passed. It was an easy distraction and something that I could try and get excited about and focus on. I was worried that it would turn into a sad event – everyone missing Eric and knowing he should be there – but thankfully it didn’t. We were all just able to have fun and focus on the little oblivious child.

Recently the worst parts of my day are thinking about how if Eric came back right now, Arie wouldn’t know him, he’d be a stranger. That just breaks me. Like, takes the breath out of me, breaks me. How is this God’s plan? What good can come from Arie not knowing his daddy? Thankfully, I can question it, and still trust it, all at the same time. I wish I could understand it, but I doubt I ever will this side of Heaven.