It’s been almost five months now (how is that possible?!), and I feel like I’m doing worse than I was before. Well, worse is the wrong word, but there’s been a general shift to a more sad base emotional state. “Base” is the keyword there, because I don’t have any trouble being genuinely happy or excited or mad…it’s just that when those heightened emotions pass, sadness is waiting on the sidelines yelling “did you just hear that song? You totally need to cry about it!”. It makes sense though, that as things progress back to “normal” some of the numbness from the shock begins to wear off. It’s a shift to a more muted sadness than that raw initial torture. It’s all part of the grieving process, I suppose. Joy.

Here was my depressing thought this week…there’s going to come a time in the future where I’ll have lived as a widow longer than as a wife. I AM THIRTY YEARS OLD. This is unacceptable and crazy! Today at work I helped someone enroll in their employee benefits for the upcoming year…she talked about how much life insurance she was going to elect and I had to stop myself from letting her know just how much funerals can cost, and what she’ll have to think about when choosing an amount. I mean, I could have done that without mentioning my recently deceased husband, but I ask you, where’s the [awkward] fun in that? I’d just be a young kid (because yes, I realize I don’t look old enough to work here) trying to sound like a know-it-all. Also, as a PSA, you should all get life insurance…especially if you’re young because it’s so cheap for you…uh, I mean us? Thirty is still young, right? Call me if you have questions…it is, legit, part of what I do for a living…and bonus! I have real life experience!

I’ve also been thinking about dating. GASP! Chill out. Not thinking about it in a ‘I’m ready to go on a date’ way, more like a ‘holy crap, you mean one day I’ll have to remember how to put on makeup?!’ way. But dating would require me to take off my wedding rings, and I’d sooner attempt a marathon than remove them. (You have to know how much I hate running for that to be a meaningful statement…just trust me.) Plain and simple, I’m lonely. And there’s a direct correlation between that base level of sadness that I mentioned above, and my level of loneliness. It’s no fun, and I don’t recommend this feeling, so try to avoid it. On a sidetone, I can completely understand why some people choose to get married so quickly after losing a spouse. But for me, I may be lonely, but I’m also logical, so I know that once this low wave passes, I’ll be back to feeling like a badass single mom.

Speaking of. Today I felt very empowered when I got home and in a SINGLE trip into the house, was able to carry a diaper bag, purse, laptop, baby, and two [large] grocery bags. Boo-ya!

Boo-ya is still a trendy phrase right?! Or is that something I’ll have to stop saying if I ever want to find love again??