I really want Arie to know his dad. But like, really know him. I want him to get a whole picture of who he was, not just the idolized memories that people are so quick to recall when someone dies. Without the not-so-glamorous memories, I fear Arie will grow up to think he could never measure up to the man that he would have called daddy. They’ll be no shortage of people to tell Arie about how Eric was brave and strong, funny and smart – and I’ll be first in line telling him stories about those wonderful attributes that Eric embodied. But I also want him to understand that he was human. He did his best, but stumbled just as often as the rest of us. He made mistakes, some big (which I’ll do Eric the honor of not sharing here ;)), and some small (like not telling me when he got a ticket for an expired license tab after I repeatedly told him to put his new sticker on…I mean honestly it would have taken 2 seconds!). Without sharing the good AND the bad, I fear he wouldn’t be relateable, and therefore wouldn’t be missed and loved and understood as well as he deserves.

When we moved Eric to home hospice, I told him I wanted him to record a video for Arie. Talk about the things that he would miss, what he wanted Arie to know, and tell him how much he loved him. Eric, never one to enjoy being on camera, told me I was better at that kind of stuff, so I should just write something and maybe he would read it later. Things progressed quicker than expected those last couple days and we never got the chance to record anything for Arie – but I know he would have only been doing it for me. He would have hated it. Thankfully I have somewhere around 1000 pictures of Arie and Eric together, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words….so… [carry the one]…that’s got to be worth like a million words…

Whenever I put Arie to bed, I sing him Edelweiss (a song from the Sound of Music, slightly modified, and almost never the whole thing), lay him down, and tell him how much I love him and how much his daddy loves him. I tell him that daddy’s watching him from Heaven, that he fought so very hard to stay with us, and that he didn’t want to leave us. Arie will never know his dad in person, but he’ll always know the kind of person he was – the good and the bad.