Eric and I lived busy lives. Our weeks were always packed, and we shared a google calendar just so we could make sure we didn’t both schedule things on the same day. Now, obviously, I’m making my own plans, but I’m still staying very busy. A last minute trip to Chicago this weekend?! Sure! Who do I have to check with!? Nobody, that’s who! Yup, that widow life sure is glamorous. You’re all jealous, I can tell.

There are many reasons why I stay busy, allow me to outline some of them for you.

First: The busier you are, the less time you have to wallow and dwell on your sad situation. No need to pack the Kleenex, Arie, mom’s got a full day of shopping planned! We’ll be discussing the origin of the statement “your father would roll over in his grave” [if he saw that I was buying you ANOTHER outfit that you’ll outgrow in two months]. I don’t think this qualifies as avoidance though, because it’s not like any extended period of time goes by when I’m not thinking about how Eric should still be here. But at least if I’m busy, it’s not the all-encompassing, earth-shattering, soul-crushing thing that it can turn into.

Second: Staying busy gives you things to look forward to. This one is key for me. I love research, so if there’s a project I can work on, or a trip I can plan, I’m in Heaven. My goal has been to give myself one big thing to look forward to every month. November was Florida with a friend, our babies, and her wonderful parents who made it all possible (thank you Grandma and Grandpa C!). December is Florida with my family (no thank you, Christmas – we won’t be acknowledging your existence this year.). January is visiting my cousin in LA (thank you, insane Southwest seat sale!).  February is my cousins wedding in Winnipeg (And I’m a co-MC!)! I’ve also got it in my head that I want to turn the attic of my house into a playroom. So if anyone knows any good structural engineers, HVAC people, drywallers, etc. Let me know! I’m thinking I’ll even try and do some DIY reno-ing. {shudder}.

Third: Being busy makes you tired. The mind is a dangerous place at night, especially in a big bed that someone else is supposed to be in. Falling asleep quickly is KEY. Unless of course you choose to write your blog entries at midnight, in which case, it’s your own damn fault that you’re still awake. (It’s only 11:20pm right now…I’m way ahead of schedule)

Basically I’m just chasing excitement, and things that will make me happy for a bit. Sometimes it’s as simple as a new pair of shoes or ordering a pizza instead of cooking. And sometimes it’s dreaming of home renovations, or planning a European adventure. At the end of the day though, all roads lead back to reality, whether I’m wearing a new pair of shoes or not. And the reality is that I’m sad everyday, and I miss my friend everyday. I miss the specific smile he would give when I was being ridiculous, or the way he would wrestle with our dog when he got home from work. I miss going to bed at night and him throwing my pillow on the floor and stealing all the covers again and again, until I got annoyed enough to start trying to karate chop his bionic arm, only to end up hurting myself because that thing is metal. And mostly I miss sharing my day to day life with him and talking about our future, whether it was the plans we had made for the next day, or the next adventure.