“Grace, grace, grace – you’re an idiot – grace, grace, grace.”

Some of the best advice I received after Eric died, was that quote. Laura told me that people often say something poorly, when they are meaning to be kind. Goodness knows I’ve put myself in that situation before. (Oh my word, I’m getting sweaty just thinking about the stupid things I’ve said…moving on quickly, before I go into a full blown panic attack.) Thankfully, I’ve only experienced it once since Eric passed, and it was more an eye roll situation than anything. Now, if you’re anything like me, you’re currently panicking and thinking it was you…let me stop you right there…it wasn’t. I honestly don’t even know this persons name – we had never met. BUT I know there’s still time for it to happen, so I like to think I’m preparing for the inevitable when I practice this mantra. And I just enjoy how there’s a little bit of humor in the middle of the love. I think grace is a vital part of the healing process – the grace I give myself, the grace I show others, and the grace I ask for in return.

The grace I’ve been encouraged to give myself is probably the best thing to come out of any therapy I’ve received. Thoughts that have the potential to make me feel guilty, don’t hold the same power when you can understand how your subconscious is trying to protect itself from pain. For instance, I thought about getting married again before Eric had even died. When I guiltily (and tearfully) admitted this up to a professional, she explained that I knew what was eventually going to happen, so my mind jumped forward and manufactured an idea that I could look forward to in the future…something past the inevitable pain to come. Do you know how freeing that logic was?!!? Clearly freeing enough that I can confess  my inappropriate thought to all of you!

Like I mentioned above, I haven’t had to show grace to many people yet. I’m going to guess it hits more after the year mark. From everything I’ve read, I’ve been warned that after a year some people expect you to “get over it” and “move on”. Honestly, I kind of hope I’m in a real spicy mood if anyone tries to tell me that, because I would really like the satisfaction of widow-guilting someone in a dramatic manor. Now, I realize that flies in the face of everything I’ve written so far, so I probably shouldn’t admit it – but I’m going to go ahead and give myself a little grace. Ha. See what I did there? Seriously though, I do want to exhibit grace, and I hope the mantra comes in handy….I only fantasize about yelling at people when I’m in a really bad mood.

Which brings me to my last point, the grace I need to ask for from all the people in my life. I’m a young(ish) girl, who recently became a widow and a single mom, and I am SO wrapped up in my own world. So. Wrapped. Up. I’ve made plenty of mistakes so far, and I am bound to make plenty more so please be generous in your grace, as I know I’ll need it frequently. Especially when I’m in a bad mood. (See last sentence of prior paragraph).

Grace, grace, grace – we’re all idiots sometimes – grace, grace, grace.