I had no idea it was a thing, but apparently today is National Single Parent Day. Or maybe the article I read was actually posted yesterday, who knows…

I would never be so bold as to say I do it all myself, or don’t have any support because I have an excellent support team. It’s a team born from necessity and love and sorrow and compassion…but it’s the wrong team. And when it all comes down to it, I am a single parent. It’s only me. The person that I read parenting books with, and made decisions with, and dreamed about Arie’s future with is gone. The burden and responsibility of my child’s life, upbringing, and wellbeing are my weight to carry. Every parenting decision is mine, every mistake is mine, every triumph is mine. If someone doesn’t like a choice I’ve made, I don’t have Eric to support me and back me up, it’s just me. All this is not to say that I haven’t played the widow card to get out of my share of diaper changes – there’s got to be a perk, right? – but the burden of it all is exhausting and stressful, regardless of the help I receive.

But I think it will be something that I’ll be proud of one day, and that hopefully Arie will be proud of me for too. Because when I look back at the things I’m most proud of in my life, it’s the things that have been scary and daunting and exhausting. Like the care of Eric after his diagnosis…to this day I still don’t know how I made it through. Granted, I didn’t always do it well, and sometimes I failed all together, but I have never been so tired, and yet so driven by love to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I remember going in to work early in order to get a couple hours in before I had to take Eric to the hospital for a surgery, or waking up every hour or two for days to make sure we kept on a pain med schedule. The type of things you look back and say, how the hell did I manage that and come out alive on the other side!? Well, one of us did….HEYO!

All my bad jokes aside, the last four years showed me I can fight through the exhaustion, be brave through the fear, and face the unknown. Driven by love to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Bring on the next 17.