Well, tomorrow is d-day. It’s like a b-day, only opposite…

First of all, thank you to everyone who has already reached out in some way to let me know you’re thinking of me. May has been a bit of a shit-show, let’s be honest. So tomorrow I’m going to Disney World. That seemed like a logical choice, right? RIGHT?! I figured, I’m sad everyday so I don’t need to wallow on an extra sad day – I’d rather just do something fun.

The Disney thing just kind of fell into my lap, thanks to a Disney Cast Member who passed along some free tickets to the parks! Two girlfriends (Staci and Ashley) will be joining, the babies are staying at home, and we are going to have a blast attempting to hit three Disney parks in one day. If you want to follow along, I’m going to try and post some Instagram stories throughout the day (@chelseam1234).

I realize this isn’t the choice that everyone would make for this first anniversary, but I’ve got to do what’s best for me. Sitting with Eric and my families is just not the way I need to get through this day. And going to the cemetery? HA! I’ve been once since the funeral, and had an epic panic attack before my sister had even gotten Arie out of his car seat. So, as you can see, Disney was really the only option.

I actually think today is going to be the worst day. The day before a big event has typically proven to be worse than the day of the event itself. Although my Timehop tomorrow will be brutal. I know I could just skip looking at it tomorrow, but as much as I don’t want to see the memories, I still do….does that make sense? I took a video of Eric and I talking, which I know I’ll see tomorrow morning, and my throat is already constricting just thinking about it. I also wrote my blog post for tomorrow about 9 months ago, I think. I knew I would start to forget things, so I wrote about that day while I was still able to go through texts and pictures and remember how everything went down. So you can look forward to a nice depressing post tomorrow —- enjoy!

Wow. A year. This post is a little scattered because I honestly am like a ball of nervous energy that is also rolling around on pins and needles. I’m just really looking forward to this anniversary being over. I know it doesn’t mean that things are going to get easier, or that I won’t be sad anymore, but there’s something about getting through the event that is comforting. I can move on to the next day without the anniversary looming on the horizon. I won’t have to wonder how I’ll feel, or how bad it will be, because it will be over, and there’s no choice but to get through it.

So yeah, tomorrow I will be spending my saddest day on earth at the happiest place on earth. Here goes nothing!