Thanks so much for submitting great questions! Hopefully these are informative and useful! And sorry this is a long post.

• What do conversations with Arie look like about Eric at this stage in life?
  • At this point they are pretty simple. We say thank you for daddy in our prayers every night, we talk about how daddy is in Heaven (or hev-ev in Arie speak), we look at pictures around the house, and we talk about him whenever it comes up. And Arie’s fruncles do a great job of telling him [mostly] age appropriate stories when they get the chance.
• Are you still living in the home you all lived in together?
  • Indeed we are! I was worried it would be difficult, especially since we did home hospice (aka, Eric died in our living room), but I think it would have been harder to leave than it was to stay. I live within a few blocks of many of my friends, we brought Arie home from the hospital here, so many happy memories were made in this home and luckily those outweigh the bad ones.
• Meaningful things that people said after Eric died?/Should I say something at all?
  • In general, I think it is always better to say something rather than nothing. It shows you care and are thinking about the person. And, sadly, there is no perfect thing to say and nothing that will make everything better…although I did once have someone tell me I’d “get over it soon” (bless her). Also, if it’s right after it happens, honestly, they probably won’t remember what you said. I recently stumbled across a text someone had sent in the days after Eric died and I had absolutely no recollection of ever seeing it. Please don’t take that to mean that it wasn’t meaningful (because it absolutely was), it’s just that there is so much happening and so many emotions you’re dealing with after a death that you almost black out certain things. So that should help you take some pressure off yourself if you ever find yourself needing to say something to a person who’s recently lost someone. But don’t be offended if the person doesn’t respond. Also, a story or memory is always a great place to start…bonus points if it’s something they hadn’t heard before, or if it’s about the passed person loving the remaining alive person(s)! Speaking as an alive person, we love those stories.
• Paranoid of cancer in yourself or other loved ones? Paranoid of death? Afraid of going through crisis again in life?
  • I totally would have thought this would be a huge problem for me, but so far it has almost been the opposite. I used to be PANICKED about loved ones dying (long before Eric got sick), and now I think I have this hideous proof that I’ll survive it, so it doesn’t affect (effect?) me as much anymore. I think I’m still like most of the population and (with the help of google and webmd) automatically jump to something ridiculous like brain cancer when I have a migraine, but other than that, it’s no longer an anxiety inducing issue. I do think I’m more proactive now about having a plan in place should something happen. For instance, I’ve purchased life insurance outside my employer, should I lose my benefits for any reason and then get sick. I also have a life insurance policy on Arie, because funerals are SO EXPENSIVE! Eric’s was somewhere between eleven and twelve thousand dollars not including food or the tombstone or the cemetery plot.  And I didn’t even get him the nicest stuff!
• How have you dealt with God and the meaning of life through this?
  • Slowly. When Eric was sick, I didn’t pray that much overall. I was overwhelmed and exhausted, and so in the thick of everything that it just.didn’t.happen. Thankfully someone told me she had the same experience, so I clung to that fact as the truth of the nation. Also, I knew we had a LOT of people praying for us, which was a comfort when I would think about how little I did. And that’s not to say I never did. I remember actually putting my hands where the tumors were and praying really specifically for those areas, and I also had really emotional prayers where I was literally on my knees crying and begging for a miracle.  After Eric died I was super panicked  that we believed in the wrong religion and that I would never see him again. I thought things like, this is punishment from whoever the “real God” is because we believe in Christianity. I was a bit all over the place. Eventually, after I became more emotionally stable, I got back into reading through my one year Bible and actually had time to start going to church again, and eventually a peace just took over – I know that sounds cliche, I’m sorry. I think I got to the point of thinking, this is what I am deciding to believe and it’s not going to be easy to believe it sometimes, but I’m going to just stick with it. At this point, I just really try to focus on the times I can see God working in the midst of the bad. It’s not something easy to do, and usually goes out the window if I haven’t had enough sleep, but overall I keep a few key points in mind that I try to come back to if I can’t think of anything new.
• What are you tired of hearing/tired of people assuming?
  • I really can’t think of anything at the moment. The only thing that relates slightly is that I get annoyed when people don’t remember him accurately. Meaning, I like him to be remembered realistically, not in some perfect human way. He had flaws, like everyone does, and to not acknowledge those seems like a dishonor somehow.
• Are you worried people will move on or expect you to move on?
  • I remember being worried about this when we hit the one year mark. I thought people wouldn’t want to read this blog anymore, or wouldn’t want me to talk to them when I was sad, but I haven’t experienced that at all. We’re a little over a month away from the 2 year mark [shudder] so I’ll be curious to see if my anxiety spikes about this again. Right now though, I think my friends give me enough security to feel comfortable talking about him whenever I want. They also plan “Eric Nights” where we go out and do things Eric liked, and tell stories about him. So I suppose that I don’t really worry about people moving on, because I know there are enough people that will join me in not moving on.
• How do you plan to incorporate Eric and the memory of Eric into your life now and in the future?
  • That’s hard to predict, but I would say overall there will be a lot of stories told to Arie about his dad, and a lot of pictures of him around the house. Having our Eagles for Eric events (fundraisers for Van Andel Institute, where Eric’s tumor is studied) keeps him firmly incorporated in our lives as well. I also recently had a situation where I was dreaming about Eric and I woke up and could smell the deodorant he used to wear…for quite a while after I woke up actually. That got me thinking about olfactory studies and how the sense of smell is the strongest connection to memory. From there I went on a bit of a scavenger hunt attempting to track down the deodorant scent Eric used to wear. I found something close, but not exact (if anyone knows a bigshot at Speed Stick, let me know so we can get this stuff back in production). I thought I had found some of the right scent on ebay so I took a chance, but it turns out they just used an old picture, so now I’m stuck with 7 bottles of the wrong scent. BUT all that is to say that my new plan is to have that deodorant set out like a candle whenever I’m telling Arie stories about Eric, so that he can create those same connections between the scent and Eric. Maybe it’s crazy, but it’s worth a shot. And I’ve got 7 sticks, so I’ve got to do something with it.
• Do you feel judged by how you’re processing/do you care?
  • I guess maybe I worry about people thinking how I handle my grief (lots of dark humor and [possibly] inappropriate jokes), somehow comes across as not caring that Eric died. I think I’m more paranoid about people judging me than there are people actually judging me. Example: It’s taken almost two years to consider changing my facebook profile picture because I am worried people will think it means something more than just the fact that I want to update the picture. I’m also weirdly worried that women will think I’m trying to steal their husbands or boyfriends if I’m just being my normal friendly self. I’ve always gotten along really well with guys and I guess I’m just paranoid that will come off the wrong way now.
• If you have more of Eric’s frozen sperm, do you think you’ll try for more pregnancies that route?
  • I do have a few more of those swimmers left! I have thought about it, but not seriously. I’m an overall practical person, so maybe it’s something I would consider at some point in my life, but not now.  However, I do think that I will throw Arie in a big brother tshirt at some point, just to freak people out a bit.
• What are your feelings on dating again?
  • Honestly I’m surprised I only got this question from two people. I would totally wonder this! I think it’s a fairly complex response, but the high points are that I’ve thought about it, but never all that seriously – mostly just after watching a romantic comedy or something like that. I was on a low-key dating app called Coffee Meets Bagel for a hot second, mainly because I wanted to know what it would feel like to go through those “dating” emotions again (research nerd). But shockingly when my facebook photo showed up as a happy family of three, I didn’t get many hits (be right back, cracking up at this all over again). I deleted the app within a week. I also think that my life would be a lot for most people to handle. I have a kid, which really narrows down the field of anyone that would be interested – which there is no shame in btw, because I would feel weird dating somebody with a kid! Also, the fact that I’m a widow means that I won’t ever stop loving Eric, and it would take a really secure person to not feel threatened by that. I also feel very confident and fulfilled being “on my own”, so most of the time I’m unconcerned with dating or getting married again. Every now and then it can feel isolating though…like at weddings, or when there are events where everyone is matched up, or those aforementioned romantic movies. Even my friends having babies is really hard and can make me wish I was with someone. Eric and I always planned on having kids really close together and with the exception of the frozen sperm, that’s just not an option for me anymore. So that can be really painful to process. *Please note: this would NEVER mean that I’m not thrilled for my friends having babies!!!* I guess I would say overall I feel like I’ve trusted God’s plan with Eric’s death, so trusting His plan for me and another guy in the future seems way easier.
• When you look at other couples who are either doing well or struggling with their relationship, do you wish you could tell them anything?
  • I think for struggling couples I would say things can change. Eric and I were still figuring out marriage when he got sick, aka we still fought plenty. But after he got sick, things got so much better. I know that it can go either way with a crisis, but we were fortunate enough to have things move in a positive direction. A slight offshoot of this would be admitting to getting incredibly rage-filled when I hear of a bad person in a relationship (cheater, beater, etc.) and then thinking about the fact that that person is alive and well, and my excellent husband is the one that’s dead. That really pisses me off.
• How do you deal with the feels on extra ‘widowy’ days?
  • Quite frankly, I am not opposed to medication to help. A small dose anti-axiety pill as needed really helps me. I would say I take between 5-10 pills a year? So certainly not using them regularly, but they help me handle occasions like d-day, our anniversary, Arie’s b-day, etc. I also like to try and do something distracting on those days – maybe it’s a movie marathon, or a trip, or a party…but distractions work for me. It’s not like I try to forget what I’m sad about (as if that would even be possible), but I try to build up some good with the bad on those days. And when it gets overwhelming, I remind myself that I just have to get through the day, and tomorrow will be easier.
• Do you still wear your wedding rings?
  • I do! I switch them around a lot though. I sometimes only wear my wedding ring, sometimes wear them on my right hand, sometimes wear none. It never really means anything specific, I just like to always switch it up so that it doesn’t feel weird no matter how I’m wearing them.

Thanks again for the great questions! Maybe we’ll do this again sometime. And it’s 1am, so goodnight!