Me: Look Arie it’s a picture of you and daddy! I wish he lived with us instead of in Heaven.
Arie: It’s okay, he will come back another day.
Me: I think he’ll stay in Heaven and we will just go live with him someday.
Arie: Or we can go visit him in the grass.

He was referencing the cemetery.

This little exchange made me laugh and cry, which basically sums up my emotional state as the Christmas season unfolds. As you may recall, the last two years my family and I have taken a vacation over Christmas.  Year one we went to our favorite place in Florida where we did our best to skip any mention of the holiday, and ignore the twinkle lights hanging from all the palm trees. Year two we took a wonderful trip to the Netherlands to visit our family, and celebrate Christmas with them. The change in scenery and continued escape from a full-blown Christmas in Michigan was a perfect step back into the inevitable year three at home.

Really these Christmas trips were just distractions though, because it’s impossible to actually forget what I was trying to avoid. It’s not like I woke up on Christmas day, went to the beach and suddenly forgot that my husband had died. And it really wasn’t running away from those feelings so much as trying to soften the blow of sadness that the whole season brings. (Dad, for the record, going on a trip for Christmas is still going to be what mom, Hil and I want to do every year. So enjoy this Christmas at home, but next year WE GONE).

If only it was just Christmas day that was hard, but unfortunately the whole season is a bit of an emotional and physical drain. Watching Arie experience the joy and wonder of the holiday is something that Eric should be here for. Family parties are so much more fun when there isn’t a dead elephant in the room – or however that saying goes. And really, I just want to go back to a time where I didn’t know that I could be sad and happy at the same time.

As I wrestle with these unceasing conflicting emotions, I’ve taken a lot of comfort in the words of a song that my cousin introduced me to earlier this year. Weep With Me by Rend Collective is a song of lament, and it plays in my car on repeat. You really need to listen to the song, because it’s so powerful with the music, but some of the verses I love include:

-Lord I will wrestle with your heart but I won’t let you go.
-What’s true in the light is still true in the dark. You’re good and you’re kind and you care for this heart.
-From this lament raise up an anthem.
-Lord I believe that you weep with me.

Weep With Me  <– Youtube audio link here. #NotSponsored 😉