One night during Eric’s treatment days we were driving home and Eric ran what I will gracefully consider a ‘dark orange’ light (but we all know I’m not that nice and I mean a red light, right? Great.). Wouldn’t you know it, red and blue flashers showed up in the rear view mirror almost instantly. As we pulled over I yelled calmly suggested he take off his hat (bald, no eyebrows, sunken face…just a general “undergoing chemo” look). Well, the officer took one look at him, told him he ran a red light, and sent us on our way. I don’t think she even looked at his license and registration.

There is absolutely no point to this story except for the fact that I think of it at least once a week when I’m on my drive home and pass the parking lot we pulled into, and I laugh every time. And I suppose it’s a tip for anyone who is undergoing chemo and gets pulled over. Make yourself look as sickly as possible and use that cancer card!

Now on to more important things…I’m making some changes in 2019. Back in September I changed my schedule at work so that I was only working 2 days a week. It was a choice I did not come to easily, but after prayerful consideration and the wisdom of friends and family, it is a choice I was comfortable making. Part of the reason I wanted to decrease my hours at work was because I wanted the freedom to do some of those mom things with Arie. It was always the plan for me to be a stay-at-home mom and when Eric died that option was taken away from me. It might sound trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it is still something I struggle with jealousy over. Every mommy and me activity during the workday served as a constant reminder that my life was drastically different than I had planned. Death affects so many parts of our lives that we don’t think about until we live through it.

The bigger reason that I went part time though is because I feel I have something to offer people based on the experience I have gone through, and a responsibility and passion to help others going through the same thing. I want the years of treatment, sorrow, pain,  and eventual death of my sweet husband to mean something, and be used to somehow benefit others. I need something good to come of this bad, and I am willing to do my part to make that happen. I always just figured that anyone in my situation would have handled things similar to how I did, but I have come to find out that: 1. not everyone understands or believes in the organizational powers of a binder, or excel document, and 2. the good Lord gave me the tools and personality (yes, even the dark humor) to feel comfortable and confident as a caretaker. Because of both of these (but mostly the excel documents) I feel I can be an asset to people that have to travel down a similar road.

So what does that look like? It starts with me putting these goals out there so that I can hold myself accountable to my plans. Like I said, I’ve been part time since September and I’m only just getting to this blog post. Life (or maybe Satan?) has a way of filling my time so that I don’t make this a priority. A good start will be blogging more consistently. I have a running list of topics to write about and the count currently stands at 61 ideas. I’m also planning on putting together some checklists and how-to guides. Do you know how to plan a funeral for a young person, or how much a typical funeral costs? Do you know how much life insurance you should have, and what to consider when putting together a will or trust? BECAUSE I DO. Or maybe someone you know just got a diagnosis and you don’t know what to say (spoiler alert – there’s no perfect thing to say) or how to help. One of the smartest things Eric did when he got his terminal diagnosis was added my fingerprint to his phone so that I could unlock it and have access to all his passwords. So simple, but not everyone would think to do that before it’s no longer an option. That little tip will be on my ‘what to do before you die’ checklist (working title). I have some additional projects in mind too, but let’s just start with these for now.

The challenge with this whole idea will be not knowing if what I’ve done/created has helped anyone. There just isn’t a tangible way to know my impact, and that is something that I will have to accept because the prideful part of me will want to know that I made a difference. When I was initially considering this life change I remember hearing a sermon where my pastor said something like – it’s my responsibility to use my talents or share my story, but it’s God that is going to be the one that does something with it. That thought comforts me when I think I’ve made a crazy irresponsible choice. So to quote a song I love, ‘the mountains where I climbed, the valley where I fell, You were there all along, that’s the story I’ll tell’.

Here’s to making a difference in 2019!