Growing up it was always my sister, Hilary, that was obsessed with dogs. She was relentless in her request for a puppy, regardless of holiday. All her stuffed animals were various breeds of dogs, and if my mom would have let her, her wallpaper would have been Dalmatian spots. I didn’t have anything against them, I just didn’t really care one way or another. The one exception was this chocolate lab my cousin, Amy, had. They lived in Chicago so I didn’t see this dog very much, but I always remember giving it a hug whenever I visited my cousin, which was odd because of the aforementioned indifference to dogs. There was just something about her.

Fast forward to when Eric and I got married – he had grown up with a family dog and really wanted to get one of our own. I was hesitant but after 2 years he eventually wore me down. He researched forever and eventually landed on a Rottweiler from a breeder who didn’t dock the tails. They were located out in California and it would be TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS to get her, not including airfare. Around that same time, my cousin let me know that she was moving and would only be able to keep her small dog, not the chocolate lab. Eric was not into the idea of getting a 6 year old dog. He wanted a (very expensive) puppy, but I was able to convince him to just have this dog come stay with us for the weekend so we could see how it went. After one night, he was in love – Roxy was ours.

About six months later Roxy ended up unintentionally alerting us to Eric’s tumor. Without her jumping into his arms, his cancer would have progressed and our three years together after diagnosis would have been much shorter. During his chemo treatments Roxy was a constant comfort to both of us. I felt so much less guilt going to work knowing that Eric would have Roxy there with him all day. It was like the three of us were a core little unit of unconditional love. The three of us at home was our safe place. (Not to negate the love and support of our family and friends – this is just a tribute to Roxy) Anytime we cried she would crawl up in our laps and try to lick the tears off our face (gross, I know, but the sentiment is sweet). She could sense changes in blood pressure or heart rate and would come lay down by us whenever we were stressed. I think she even knew a few curse words and had the good sense to stay away if she heard them. She was just the absolute most sensitive soul. After Eric was in remission we even went through the process of having her trained as one of those therapy dogs that goes to visit people in the hospitals. She was someone that even people who didn’t like dogs were okay being around. And when Arie was born, she was so sweet and patient – letting him climb all over her, pull her tail, tug her ears. She never got mad, never reacted…just looked over at us with eyes that seemed to say, “if you’re not going to save me, I guess I’ll just let it happen because that’s how much I love you”. After Eric died Roxy became even more attached to me – I ended up having to give her anxiety meds anytime I left her to go overnight somewhere. It felt awful leaving her because she was so sad, but coming home was always such a treat because she would cry and nuzzle into me so hard it would knock me over. A dogs love is so powerful.

We had to put my sweet girl down yesterday and my heart is completely shattered. I’ve now had two souls I love so deeply die in my arms. I know logically you would think that this wouldn’t affect me so deeply given that I’ve lost a spouse, and I wish that were true, but it’s like losing the last of that family. I know I have a son, but Eric, Roxy and I went through the hardest part of life together, and now they are both gone and it feels like I’m left alone. Now I have two Spirits in the Sky.

As we were saying goodbye I made sure to remind Roxy that even though she was going off to live with Eric, I was still her favorite…which was true and Eric always hated it.

I’m still not a dog person, I’m a Roxy person.